The Musketeer

What’s this? Why I do believe it is a stupid action movie that has wormed its way into my heart.

“The Musketeer” (2001)
Directed by Peter Hyams
Starring: Justin Chambers, Catherine Deneuve, Mena Suvari, Stephen Rea, Tim Roth

My dang DVD-buying addiction struck up again the other day after Second Job (I’m a hostess at an Asian restaurant two nights out of the week) when I went to drop off the car at my brother’s work.

What can I say about “The Musketeer” and not sound horribly snarky about it?
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Ah well. Long live the snark. It really is a stupid action movie and should be taken as such. It was not designed to be the next Cannes winner, but I still feel like they could have worked a little harder producing a decent script.

Or have different actors deliver the lines– this criticism is directed mainly at Justin Chambers (Our D’Artagnan, messieurs and mesdames) and Mena Suvari (the Love Interest. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that her performance wasn’t her fault, but rather the poorly written quality of her character).

There are a literal shitload of movies out there based on “The Three Musketeers” by Alexandre Dumas, so what makes this one special? Kick ass fight scenes. They were choreographed by Xin-Xin Xiong of the Wire Fu style, which is damn entertaining to watch in 17th century costumes. Other than that, it’s a loose interpretation of the novel. Very loose. So loose that I could suggest that Dumas-pere was rolling in his grave while they were filming it, but that seems rude.

Let’s say, for a second, that this movie is like a new boyfriend. I’ve just been introduced to this movie, we’ve only just made it through the first date. Now, while I feel like he’s a fun guy, he’s a little dim around the edges, but still manages to get to my heart in a clumsy-cute sort of way.

You know, women out there, what kind of guy I’m talking about.

That’s what this movie was like. While there were scenes that made me cringe or laugh, I felt like the movie was almost laughing at itself. It knew it wasn’t the grandest of historical pieces or the most accurate of film adaptations. It was just fun, enjoying the ride while it could.
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(Oh this is kind of lulzy, I just realized that all of the blurbs they used on the DVD case are about the action sequences. Well, they are the highlight of the movie).

I just want to say: Catherine Deneuve and Tim Roth. YOU COULD HAVE TRIED HARDER! I get the sinking suspicion that Mr. Roth was having fun being a cartoon crazy villain in this role, but Ms. Deneuve, you were the frickin’ Queen of France. You could have DONE something with that!

For a good bitch whine moan, just focus on the script.  Oh Lord, that script.  I don’t think there was any once of logic inserted into that thing.  For example, D’Artagnan and Love Interest decide to do the Sex about an hour after they narrowly avoided Supervillain Le Febre (Roth).  There’s… really no reason for it plotwise, other than for Le Febre to find them unarmed.  Just clumsy scenes like that take me out of the story.  It wouldn’t be that big of a problem if it was the one scene, but half of “The Musketeer” feels like that.  Everything is roughly shod together, from the tenous relationship between D’Artagnan and the musketeers to the scenes that are supposed to drive the plot.

Clumsy, Lazy, but dammit, it was fun.  A cheer goes up for crazy fight scenes everywhere.