Time to take up drinking. Ugggghhhhh…
Directed by Stephen Sommers (2009): Starring: Adwale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Christopher Eccleston, Sienna Miller, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Byun-hun Lee, Rachel Nichols, Ray Park, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Dennis Quaid
I had next to no expectations coming into this movie, besides my friend’s commendation that it’s hilariously bad. And so it is.
1) Christopher Eccleston and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are villains here. Way to make me root for the bad guys, movie. It doesn’t help that while watching, I discover that Byun-hun Lee is marvelous and Sienna Miller is really only good when she’s evil.
2) The lead up to the Paris set piece here is that McCullen wants to get revenge on the French for torturing his ancestor. And this probably has something to do with his wearing a ruby pin the entire time, I don’t know.
3) The CGI is really bad in some places, but really good in others. Why? It already looks like they’re spending the entire budget on special effects, so why scrimp on the CG in certain scenes? I don’t understand.
4)I missed the Brendan Fraser cameo. Was it towards the beginning, when I wasn’t paying any attention? Although I like that he invented that his character is a descendant of Rick O’Connell.
5) Explosion-riffic. So that’s… something.
6) Okay, this goes back to “Way to Make me Root for the Baddies.” While I’m not saying the performances were all that great, the villains definitely get the best of the writing in this movie. Even Eccleston’s “menacing” lines are better than the half-hearted jokes Marlon Wayans is given. JoGo’s voice as the eeeeevil Dok-tor entertains me as well, although I’m curious to know if that’s his voice transmografied or with a different voice actor or what.
7) Sienna Miller’s character is called Baroness because she… married a Baron? Who’s name is “Baron de Cobray,” by the way. For fuck’s sake. Meanwhile, she’s passing when she’s evil, but when she plays her “good” self, she’s really annoying and fake. Besides Casanova, I can’t think of another movie that I’ve seen her in and I can’t recall if she was any good in that. I also hold that while she can rock out wearing the glasses, that shade of brown just doesn’t suit her.
8 ) It’s another case of the White Kid is Better at You in Ninja School. I always thought Snake Eyes was Asian-Anerican, but my knowledge of G.I. Joe is hazy.
9) While I’m not knocking how the flashbacks are segued into the story (usually some object in the scene sparks off a memory), it’s usually jolting enough to through off the pacing. A large portion of the movie is flashbacks, and it becomes distracting.
10) I really hope that the villains just hang out and mess with their cell phones for the sequel, while the good guys are all Action Packed. They might as well jump the shark in this franchise and make it completely tongue in cheek humor.